Posted on: December 7, 2007
Right Vs. Wrong
With so many celebrities and public role models behaving badly, teaching kids the difference between right and wrong is a tough battle
By Anna T. Hirsh
CTW Features
You try to instill proper values in your children, teaching them to work hard, be healthy and respect both others and themselves. But with hard-partying celebrities like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan breaking laws, athletes like Michael Vick profiting from animal cruelty and the current presidential hopefuls slinging mud, it can be difficult to know if it’s your messages that are getting through. Not to worry – the glitz and glamour of media notwithstanding, parents have a lot more sway over their children’s perceptions of right and wrong than one might think.
According to Mike Riera, author of “Staying Connected To Your Teenager” (Perseus, 2003), the three biggest influences in a child’s understanding of right and wrong are family, peers and teachers – not celebrities.
“Studies will tell you that 50 percent of a child’s understanding of the world is determined by family,” says Riera, Head of School at Redwood Day School, Oakland, Calif. “When the child becomes an adolescent, peers can influence behaviors, and perhaps sometimes celebrities can inspire behaviors as well. But it’s the parents who influence attitudes from the start. Behaviors come and go, but attitudes stick around for a while.”
These attitudes constitute a child’s knowledge of what is right and what is wrong, no matter what kind of behavior they might engage in.
Riera recommends parents have a discussion with their children when they cross the line and ask questions that reference them back to themselves, such as “When you did that, did you know it was wrong, or did you think it was right?” The child will usually acknowledge that they knew their behavior wasn’t okay, and you then ask them why. The goal is to correct them without shaming them.
“In the end, the authority we want them to answer to is themselves,” Riera says, “not an outside source telling them what to do. We want to teach them to determine appropriate actions for themselves so that they will learn to go there right away, questioning their own behavior if it feels wrong.”
Parents can ask children questions that will help them make moral decisions on their own, at any time, not solely when they’ve misbehaved. Ask them questions about things other than themselves. Riera recommens using something related to what happened on TV or took place in a book. Try asking, “Was that the right thing to do?” Or “What would you have done in that situation?”
“You want to exercise the integrity muscle as much as possible,” Riera says.
But all lessons aside, keep in mind that much of what a child learns is influenced by watching what their parents do.
“Children have black and white thinking; they can’t see nuances,” Riera says. “Your seven-year-old hears you on the phone, telling someone you aren’t feeling well so that you can get out of a meeting, and they will tell you that you’re lying. They keep you honest in a way, because part of it is a lie.”
Because you know they’re listening even when you don’t think they are, it’s important to think about what you stand for. “Children’s sense of morality is conditioned early with reflections of empathy expressed by parents,” says Anita O. Solomon, Ph.D., ABPP, a Diplomate in Clinical Psychology in Maryland.
Solomon also recommends drawing on spirituality to focus your ethics. “Whatever your faith, recognize that there are standards and values set up by our great religious teachers,” she says.
“Moses, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Mohammed, Mahatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King, the Dahli Llama, Pope John Paul – they all taught ways to peace, righteousness and fair play,” she says.
“Honor your heritage, your color, your creed. Teach that all peoples have a goodness as well as a natural inclination to do evil. But the most important thing is being there for other people.”
Nevertheless we all make mistakes and it is helpful for children if parents are transparent about their own bad behavior, Riera says, not confessional, but honest and instructive.
“Allow your kids to understand you made a mistake and then show them how you go about fixing it,” he says. “Many mistakes require more than just remorse. Show your children what you can actively do to make it right. If they see you go through this process and see that they can be okay, they will be much more likely to acknowledge when they’ve messed up.”
“Usually kids start with a clear sense of right and wrong,” Riera says. “As their bodies and brains change, it gets more complex.”
Parents can make a real impact. And, luckily, the experts are on their side – they really do have more influence than the latest pop sensation.
