Posted on: November 16, 2007
What’s Your Grudge?
Hanging on to negative, resentful emotions can be physically and emotionally damaging. The secret to letting go is figuring out the source of the problem
By Bev Bennett
CTW Features
Everyone experiences an occasional slight, whether it’s not being greeted on the street by an old friend, being left off the in-laws’ holiday card list or being forced out of a job.
For many those uncomfortable memories and painful scenes are replayed over and over in the mind, even leading to thoughts of revenge and long-term turmoil. It’s not uncommon, say psychologists.
However, prolonged feelings of anger that stem from old hurts are unhealthy. Hanging on to negative, resentful emotions can be physically and emotionally damaging, according to Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology, Hope College, Holland, Mich.
Keeping a grudge alive can make you emotionally tense, angry or sad, but physically can increase both your heart rate and blood pressure, vanOyen Witvliet says, based on a series of stress tests she conducted with students at Hope College.
Picking at a psychic wound can also damage your career, Michael W. Mercer, PhD, Barrington, Ill., says. Showing outward resentment for being passed over for a promotion, or even exhibiting signs of unhappiness, can get you stuck with the label of a chronic complainer or underachiever.
“In my research, people who hold grudges tend to be pessimists and negative and depressed,” Mercer, who advises companies on hiring employees, says.
Unfortunately, it isn’t easy to drop a grudge. Maybe you have a fantasy in which you’re humiliating your tormentor. That might give you some relief, according to vanOyen Wityliet, who bases her conclusions on her research into grudges and forgiveness.
“[It] is empowering, increasing a sense of control and joy, while dispelling some of the fear and sadness that victims feel,” vanOyen Wityliet wrote in an email.
In a job situation, you’re at the center of attention as you air your grudge, Mercer, author of “Hire the Best and Avoid the Rest” (Castlegate Publishers, 2006), says. You can blame, complain and moan, but that behavior is similar to a child’s temper tantrum.
Although you may feel temporary relief, grudges are ultimately unsatisfying and should be dropped, experts say. Here are a few initial steps to help turn off feelings of resentment:
• Make positive changes in your own behavior instead of blaming someone else for your lack of success, Mercer says. For example, if someone blocked your promotion find another way to get ahead.
“Use your time wisely to achieve something you really want instead of calling on demons,” Mercer says.
• Try to be empathetic and put the situation into perspective. vanOyen Wityliet believes if you can forgive the person you’re likely to feel joy, calm and freedom from anger and fear.
“While grudge-holding may relieve a sense of victimhood for a time, it is a false comfort compared to the peace that forgiveness can afford,” she writes.
• Ask some tough questions to get to the root of the issue. What’s really bothering me? Could it be multiple things? Am I avoiding a deeper issue? Do I need to make drastic changes? After answering those questions, try doing some activities to clear your head prior to making a betterment plan. Go for a brisk walk, do yoga, watch your favorite TV show, head to the bowling alley: Do whatever activity allows you to escape your negative thoughts and have fun.
• Make a game plan for improvement. Put into writing a scenario that would be your ideal outcome in which a grudge is forgiven. Make a list of steps that will help you achieve your goal, which is peace of mind. If you can’t envision a scenario in which you’re at peace, or can’t figure out a manageable way to end your grudge, schedule an appointment with a therapist or mental health expert, vanOyen Wityliet suggests.
