Posted on: October 5, 2007
Growing Older With Grace
Assisting aging parents can be difficult when the help a child offers takes away a parent’s feeling of control
By Bev Bennett
CTW Features
Adult children usually have the best intentions when it comes to their aging parents struggling with a chronic disease. Carrying out seemingly beneficial ideas can be difficult says Eileen J. Porter, professor of nursing at University of Missouri-Columbia.
Porter, whose research looks at women ages 75 to 99 living independently, gives examples from her work. In one situation a mother is vexed because her daughter refused to buy her cream to get her to lose weight, even though the mother’s physician doesn’t think the excess weight should be a concern. In another case, a daughter, fearing her mother would trip and have a serious accident, removed the throw rugs in her mother’s home whenever she came to visit. As soon as her daughter left, the mother retrieved the rugs from the closet and put them where they’d been.
Boomers often feel they’re in a position to take charge of their aging parents. However, that’s the opposite of what parents want.
“It’s critical for aging parents to feel they’re in charge of their lives,” Porter says. “The idea of someone telling them what to do is a stressor.”
If you have a parent in declining health you’re probably wondering how you can provide support without starting a squabble. Although the discussion should start while your parent is robust, you can find ways to show your concern at any time, say geriatric experts.
Understand that your parents want to remain independent and form your conversation in a way that promotes that goal, says Richard D. Della Penna, MD, director of Kaiser Permanente Aging Network, Oakland, Calif.
Your job is to learn and listen to what your parents want not to dictate, says Della Penna. The best way to do this is to have a talk asking your parent what she wants to do with her life and how she wants to live it, Porter says.
“Women would much rather be asked questions that allow them to do their own thinking then be told what to do,” says Porter. If your parents are open to suggestions frame them in terms of their values.
“For example, if you want a parent to be more physically active, provide information, such as ‘exercise is good for diabetes [control] and independence,’” says Della Penna. Unfortunately you may find that your contributions aren’t accepted. In that case, you have to stop pushing, he says.
You can’t bully your parent into following your advice, if that’s not what she wants to do. Nor can you blame or scold a parent for making dietary or lifestyle choices that exacerbate a health problem, Della Penna says.
Like the mother who wants cream in her coffee, your parent may acknowledge your concern and continue to do things her way, says Porter.
“They decide their way works and see no reason to change,” she says.
