Posted on: August 17, 2007
Agree To Disagree
Opinions run rampant in the information age. Here’s how to voice a dignified difference of opinion with a friend, family member, co-worker or spouse
By Mary Fons
CTW Features
In a world of 6.5 billion opinionated people, arguments are bound to happen. Many people see arguments as an inevitable and negative part of life. Inevitable, yes; negative, maybe not. Arguments can often lead to positive change – if you argue correctly.
“There definitely is such a thing as a ‘healthy argument,’” says Marian Donahue, a human relations professional, San Diego.
“In a healthy argument, one's own goal should be to clarify the issues, to communicate the upset behind the issues, and to really seek to move forward toward a solution,” she says. “Maybe there is a solution that could work for both parties. The minimum goal should be to preserve the relationship well enough to keep communication alive.”
Nothing kills a healthy argument like a personal attack, and personal attacks are a big no-no if you want an argument to end positively. Dina Connolly, a communications graduate student at Northwestern University, Evanston, Ill., says that when professional relationships start amassing personal baggage, nasty arguments are just around the corner.
“The structure or wall of professionalism crumbles,” Connolly says, “taking down any filters as well. For instance, after an individual interrupted and then corrected me while making a public speech, I later ended up in an argument where I completely lost my temper and raised my voice. I was embarrassed, and because my relationship with that person was already so deconstructed and unprofessional, I confronted [that person] directly and unprofessionally in an unfiltered attack.”
Donahue agrees that personal issue must be left at the door, but that doesn’t mean arguments won’t get heated.
“Passion and conflict are acceptable in an argument as long as you keep to the issue,” she says. “Attacking the other person is not useful. That kind of argument closes down the willingness on both sides to keep talking.”
Ever heard the old adage, “Two ears, one mouth”? Listening twice as much as you speak usually results in a more diplomatic disagreement. Connolly says that most of the arguments she has are a result of feeling that she hasn’t been heard in the first place. “Nothing makes me more ready to argue than to be in a discussion with one or more people and for my ideas to be cast aside or simply not heard.”
By actively listening, many arguments can be avoided altogether. If you do find yourself in the thick of one, listening with an open mind can bring about a swift end to the argument and perhaps a positive resolution. You might need to go away and punch a wall after the conversation ends, but at least the other person will feel like they’ve been heard. They actually might say something helpful.
“If you just want to let of steam, write about it, put it away and process your feelings with a safe friend or family member,” Donahue says. “Don't let out the venom on the other person, especially if you really want to ever solve the problem.”
