Posted on: May 18, 2007
Weight Loss Heart-to-Heart
Confronting a loved one’s obesity problem isn’t a simple conversation to start – here’s how to get them on track for good health without destroying the relationship
By Christina Owens
CTW Features
At his top weight of 276 pounds, (“If you can believe it,” he says) Michael used to perspire in the shower.
As a young adult, he says, he was teased by both family and friends. Doctors warned of heart problems and high blood pressure, and his weight indirectly resulted in several instances of hospitalization-wake up calls he says he “didn’t answer soon.”
Finally, it was a friend in Alcoholics Anonymous who referred Michael to another 12-step program, Overeaters Anonymous, which would save his life. Today, Michael does weight-loss interventions of his own.
“Better I take the risk of the person’s wrath,” Michael says, “than having to go to their funeral and go up to the casket and say, ‘I wish I had said something,’ because people are dying from obesity.”
Michael’s case proved it’s never too late, too early or easy to intervene and express concern to a loved one about his or her weight.
“If we see a physical wound on a person, and the wound is bleeding, do we step in at a small amount of blood? Or do we wait until they’re bleeding profusely?” Michael says.
Problems with food may be connected to deeper emotional problems and also may be the first clue to helping someone find help.
“The problem is not the food,” says Susan McQuillan, MS., RD., and author of “Psychology Today: Breaking the Bonds of Food Addiction” (Alpha, 2004).
“There are emotional issues. And food is a manifestation of those issues.”
Emotional eating, or eating for reasons other than physical hunger, is a major factor in weight difficulties, says Jeffrey Wilbert PhD., and author of “Fattitudes” (St. Martin's Paperbacks, 2001).
“Most emotional eaters feel out of control when they’re eating. So they don’t know what to do about it,” Wilbert says. “They feel like there’s a war going on inside over food.”
Because emotional eating is associated with feelings of embarrassment, the trouble signs may be difficult to spot, even in a loved one.
“People who are emotional eaters usually are very secretive about it,” Wilbert says. “It is rare for an emotional eater to confess what they’re doing because it’s associated with so much shame.”
There are, however, some behaviors associated with low self-esteem that may be clues, such as isolation, says Valerie Elsbree, a licensed clinical social worker and certified addictions professional, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
“When a person isolates themselves from other people and stays home and eats, basically, when they say no to invitations to go to places,” she says, “it’s usually because they have low self-esteem.”
A weight-loss intervention with someone who may be battling depression or issues of low self-esteem, is one that must be handled delicately and with great care.
“You shouldn’t try to be the food police,” says Wilbert.
“That will set up a counterproductive power struggle in the relationship. The best way to say it is, ‘I’m concerned. I want to help. What can I do?’ And that may be all you can do.”
This type of intervention is not the same as a drug or alcohol intervention, McQuillan.
She recommends that a concerned friend or family member wait for the individual to begin a conversation about his or her weight. “You have to be really careful with people because you can make a problem worse. People will rebel.”
The most appropriate kind of intervention, she says, may be to accompany a friend to the doctor.
“Get the person to a doctor,” she says. “Let the doctor say they need to lose 45 pounds.”
A conversation focused on health rather than emotional issues can often inadvertently lead a person to seek necessary help or attention.
“It’s a really touchy subject, and most people who are overweight don’t really ever want to acknowledge it,” Elsbree says. “If you get through the health way, at least you stand a chance.”
This approach may also present the opportunity for a partnership, McQuillan says.
“Everybody should be out there exercising,” she says. “Everybody should be eating healthfully. So there’s really no reason you can’t partner up. Help them towards help.”
For Michael, who has abstained from compulsively overeating for more than 25 years, engaging in one-on-one, honest conversation is the key to helping someone address problems with weight.
“Really all we have to share are our experiences: where we’ve been, where we are and how we got where we are,” he says.
The strongest resource any untrained individual has is to express concern and care, Wilbert says.
“You’ve got to get ready to be frustrated,” he says. “And you’ve got to set limits on your own behavior because there are many things you can do to make things worse and only a few things you can do to help out. Tell them you love them.”
There are, however, really only two types of responses to keep in mind, Michael says.
“It gets right down to: we can either be told mind our own business or thank you for minding my business,” he says.
