Posted on: May 11, 2007
How to Say ‘No’ to Kids
Saying no to a child is beneficial for all parties involved. Follow these five steps to stand your denial ground
By Hannah Seligson
CTW Features
While we say it with relative ease in most areas of our lives – “No, we don’t have a position available at this time,” “No, this is not a good time for me to talk,” and “No, I don’t want to go to the gym,” – when it comes to our kids, the word just doesn’t roll off the tongue with as much ease.
Paula Spencer, the author of “Momfidence: An Oreo Never Killed Anyone and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting” (Three Rivers, 2006), says learning to say the two-letter word with gusto is easier than you might think.
First and foremost, Spencer, the arbiter of parenting with boundaries, says that kids aren’t hearing enough of the two-letter words these days. “I’m from the school of thought that kids should hear no more than they do.”
Following are her cardinal rules for dispensing no with ease.
Avoid OK
Spencer advises not to qualify your denial with an OK.
“Don’t say to your kid, ‘You can’t have that cookie, OK?’ It softens the no,” Spencer says.
Yes is the New No
Spencer says that instead of the flat-out no, you can turn it in to a yes with a simple syntax restructuring. Try: “Yes, of course you can go to the park, but only after you clean your room.”
Happiness is Not Your Goal
Spencer says this is the biggest child-rearing myth that keeps parents from setting limits. “If you think your job is to keep them happy all the time, it’s going to be difficult – or even impossible – to set boundaries.” Instead, make your family’s rules and boundaries the priority, and enforce them consistently to set expectations of what is and is not suitable behavior.
Poke Holes in Peer Pressure
Spencer says kids will always play the peer card: “Tommy gets to stay up until 10, so why can’t I?” To stay firm in your stance, Spencer suggests saying, “But in this house we do things differently.” Additionally, Spencer advises adding on a bit of reasoning or your bigger-picture thinking behind the “no,” particularly with an older child. “Explain to your child that you can’t ride your bike during dinner because dinner is family time – and then use that as a moment to explain why eating together is important.”
Develop Thick Tantrum-Skin
Spencer says it’s critical not to waver, even if your child is turning heads at the grocery store either by screaming or crying. “Deal with the behavior, not changing your answer. Whether that means ignoring Suzy, or sending her into time-out, you can’t let a child’s reaction to no sway you.”
As for the bottom line about no, Spencer says that although children will view parents as unfair and unwavering, a staid parent is doing their children a favor. “Having clear convictions, even if it makes little Johnny temporarily unhappy, is what kids need most.”
Hannah Seligson is a writer based in New York and the author of “New Girl on the Job: Advice from the Trenches” (Citadel Press, 2007).
