Posted on: May 11, 2007
The Art of Friendly Advice
A friend’s moans and groans don’t necessarily extend an invitation for unsolicited advice. Here’s how to advise with caution
By Bev Bennett
CTW Features
Friends that once again find themselves hearing about a toxic boss, insensitive in-laws or an anguished relationship should speak with caution, especially if their urge is to offer advice designed to put an end to the misery this person is experiencing.
Many times, instead of eagerly accepting words of wisdom, unhappy people begin to backtrack and excuse the person they’ve been viciously skewering.
It’s frustrating to be the audience for someone who complains but doesn’t want to change. You can sense the person’s pain but can’t understand why he’s not embracing a solution.
Dealing with “yes, but” people requires tact, objectivity and the realization that some people aren’t ready for a solution.
If you understand your role, you can be helpful, say therapists.
“When people complain they want people to listen to them. They’re not necessarily wanting advice,” says Dale V. Atkins, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist in New York.
And sometimes talking about a problem brings relief.
“You can help someone acknowledge their frustrations, and that may be enough,” says Eileen Glenn, a psychotherapist in Chicago.
Jumping in is a natural response, though not necessarily the right one. Although you may not realize it, you may be exacerbating the problem.
“It’s human nature to try to help a friend or loved one feel better. Many of us think our role as a friend is to try to make it better,” says Atkins, author of “Sanity Savers: Tips for Women to Live a Balanced Life” (Avon, 2007).
Instead of offering to fix the situation, you can provide nonjudgmental compassion and attention.
Say something empathetic, like “I’m sorry you’re in pain,” but don’t make recommendations without asking permission, says Atkins.
“Your first questions should be, Do you want me to share ideas. I have some advice; would you like to hear it?” says Atkins.
Your friend or loved one is more likely to listen to what you have to say if he’s agreed to hear it. However, don’t assume your suggestions will be embraced. You may be requiring too much.
“People put themselves in a situation and fear by getting out of their comfort zone,” says Glenn. “They may be afraid of the consequence of making choices.”
Does that mean you’re wasting your time when people continue to follow a painful course?
No, says Atkins.
“People may listen, but may take two years to process it. When they’re ready to hear the advice they will,” says the author.
Even though you may get frustrated in the meantime, resist telling someone to snap out of it.
“You don’t know how much pain this person is in. Your role isn’t to be a judge but a supporter. People will make changes when they’re ready, not when they’re shamed into it,” Atkins says.
