Posted on: February 9, 2007
Four Simple Steps to Say ‘Not Tonight’
Whether it’s a headache or an early alarm call, rejecting a partner’s advances doesn’t have to be an automatic ego wound – or grounds for a late-night argument.
By Timothy R. Schulte
CTW Features
“Not tonight.”
Those words reverberate like a death knell for anticipatory partners hoping for a little nocturnal nookie to end the day – and when the words stop ringing, the buts, whys and how comes start chiming. But for some partners, “not tonight” sounds more like “not with you.”
“If they get a consistent no, they begin to think the no is personal,” says Dr. Joy Davidson, a New York-based certified sex therapist and and member of the board of directors for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Therapists and Counselors. “There are two ways to look at a no: no to the activity or no to the individual. Most people have a tendency to personalize and get the feeling that they are being rejected.”
It doesn’t have to feel that way, though. These tips from Davidson show how to make saying no seem like “You’re my No. 1.”
1. Schedule a Raincheck
When it’s circumstantial – you truly are exhausted or you have to be up at 5 a.m. the next day – make sure your partner knows that is why you’re saying no and that you still do desire them. And then as run-of-the-mill as it might sound, schedule a raincheck. Tell them you love them and there’s nothing you’d rather do, and then schedule some time for tomorrow night to pull out all the stops, says Davidson. By being clear about why you’re saying no, you’re partner still feels desired and the no isn’t synchronous with their fears of rejection.
2. Say ‘Yes’ to Intimacy
“For men, it’s difficult to ask for intimacy without asking for sex,” Davidson says. “They want to be close to their partner [so] they automatically leap to the sexual method.”
But that desire for closeness can be fulfilled with a hug or kiss, lying together in bed or even just watching TV. If sex is a no-go, offer intimacy. And the seekers shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it, either. Women adore it and find it very endearing, says Davidson. Sometimes having to perform can be a terrible burden, so being able to say ‘I love you’ and be close to one another is an alternative that can still provide a great deal of satisfaction.
3. Say 'No, But …
Make sure you know what type of sex you’re saying no to. If you have a sore back, for instance, and you’re avoiding sex because certain positions may aggravate your problem, suggest a more comfortable position. Or suggest making out or doing as much as you can short of having sex. Speaking up about the type of sex you do or don’t want is far more important than just avoiding the kind of sex you don’t want.
4. Don’t Be Judgmental
Saying no is not always hinged on whether or not to have sex – sometimes it’s the how or where of the sex that’s the deal-killer. Being somewhere unique may make one partner say go, go, go, but the other may feel uncomfortable and want to say no. Davidson suggests playing along to the degree that you’re comfortable. Sex in public might not be a go, but some kissing and touching may be a way for a couple to have fun with it.
“Let them know it’s hot, maintain limits and maintain boundaries as a way of teasing,” says Davidson.
The same goes with fantasies. Sometimes an idea gets shot down because the partner keeps bringing it back up without any thought of the other. Davidson recommends couples sit down and talk about all the avenues and elements regarding certain ideas. This will help the partner who feels continuously badgered to explore what is possible and what they could try. The willingness to discuss will help ease tensions on both sides.
